Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
