I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
