I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
