what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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