I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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