So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
