I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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