i wish my penis had a tongue
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
