Your mouth is God's brothel.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
