I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
