I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
