Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
