im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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