We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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