If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
