He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
