i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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