I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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