But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
