apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
