My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
