Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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