you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
