my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
