So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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