I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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