I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
