Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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