on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
