even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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