my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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