Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
