Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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