We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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