He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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