I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Pooping to opera.
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