the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Sober January is a disaster.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
