She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
