can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
