Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize