this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
