The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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