One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My vagina just clenched in fear
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