Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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