I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
