I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
