I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
