I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
