If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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