worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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