The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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