So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
