Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
