T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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