You just made me feel so damn special
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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