at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
