just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
