Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
