the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
