Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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