Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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