I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
