I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
